so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
