My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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