No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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