Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
