so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
