I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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