My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
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My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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