i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
