i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
