You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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