I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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