she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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