Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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