Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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