Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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