sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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