Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
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she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
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Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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