I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
