The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
