Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
