I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
