i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
