Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
