were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
