carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
