Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
