you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
