Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
