Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
