I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
