Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
