How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
