Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
