Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
