Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
