dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
A+ Viking dick
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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