I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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