Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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