I think my vagina is haunted
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
