You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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