I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i wish my penis had a tongue
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
