i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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