I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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