wrigley field is MILF paradise
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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