Can Purell be used as lube?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
