Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
