it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
