Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize