i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
