Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
