Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
