Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
