I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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