Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
