dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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