Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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