i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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