i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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