We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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