I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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