she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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