Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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