Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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