I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
