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I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
